As dating coaches in the Washington DC area, one of the most frequently asked questions we get from women is why do so many men use text messaging to ask them out?  Many women lament that getting asked out over the phone seems to be a dying art in the digital age.  Men are asking women over text, email, Facebook,

Guys, you want to know what I tell them?

Ladies, the reason many men use text as a way to ask you out has a lot to do with keeping the nerves in check.  It’s simply easier to ask you over txt where they can take the time to think about a carefully crafted witty messages to send you.   Over a phone call, they know it’s going to be difficult to stay calm and and worry about say something silly or stupid that could turn you off.  Never mind contemplating the real possibility of actually rejected… to some guys, that’s all too much to ask.

Guys, being nervous is okay, avoiding “scary” things is not.

The bottom line is women don’t want the guy that’s afraid to talk them.  However, most women will understand if you’re nervous.  They will be too.  If you are one of those guys that has a hard time controlling your anxiety, consider txting as way to dip your toe in the water.  But be aware that it’s going to be an uphill effort from there to get her attention.  And more importantly, you’ll more likely to get denied a night out with her; if it’s going to be easier for you to txt, it’s going to be easier for her to ignore or say no to you.

The fact is, you already talked to her, otherwise how would you have gotten her phone number?  So pick up the phone and call.  As more guys hide behind texting, Facebook, email, the better chances you of standing out.. like a man

(If you got her phone number for anyone else but her, stop right there, sign up for one of our classes right away.  Seriously dude, don’t do that.)

And ladies… give them a break.

Some women simply deny any guy that doesn’t have the courage to call and that’s a big mistake.  There are plenty of men in this world that are great guys and simply lack a bit of polishing in regards to the initial process of picking you up.  You could be turning down a great connection based on one minor imperfection.  If you prefer men to judge you on substance over beauty, think about what you’re judging them on and decide if that really is an important rule to keep.  Can you truly summarize a man’s character over this?  Of course not.  Makes it almost irrelevant doesn’t it?

Deline

There’s always a bit of fear that goes into approaching women.   From the moment you see who you want, your reptilian part of your brain starts to fire off all kinds of reasons why you should preserve your ego from getting bruised.

“She’s out of my league.”

“She’s talking to someone.”

“She must be with that guy.”

“She saw me look at her but she didn’t smile back.”

“She’s too _______.”

The typical advice is not to think so much and just go talk to her.  Everyone has heard of the “three second” rule by now.  And yet, if that solves the problem, why does it continue to affect so many guys?

Well, let’s face it, a three second window of opportunity is pretty small and rather impractical. I’ve seen this scenario play out thousands of times.   I’ve been in those ruts myself, like most experienced guys have also been.  The problem, the fear of rejection or whatever, just doesn’t go away.   And we all know, the longer you wait, the harder it is, as if your feet grow roots into the floor.  It’s just easier to talk to your friends and complain about the lack of available women that it is to grab your balls and talk to her.

But there’s one thing you have to fear, more the fear itself: it’s boredom.

Boredom is nearly useless.  The only thing boredom does is to remind you that you are letting life slip by you.  Boredom is what you regret spending time on, every time. Worse yet, the more boredom you have in your life, the more boring you are as a person.  And nothing can kill an opportunity with someone then by actually being downright… boring.

Frankly, boredom will keep your fat ass in doors.   It’ll keep you from going to the gym.  It’ll keep you from trying new events.  It’ll keep you from traveling around the world.  Or staying in that shit job because it pays the bills.  No one talks about the boring times they’ve spent, why?  Because it’s damn boring to hear it.   Frankly, boredom will drain your life away.  You should fear that above all else.

So I propose the next time you are out, and you start rooting into the floor with fear that the “timing” isn’t right to talk to a group of girls, decide right there that of all the things you could be, you are not going to boring.  You will not be lame!

Then just go and blow the damn set up, simply to see what happens.  It’ll be far more entertaining that just standing around doing nothing.   I’ll take risk of a momentarily bruised ego for getting shot down, than boredom any day.  It’s frankly a lot safer.

You can’t touch it, you can’t see it, you can’t smell it, but you can definitely feel it when “it’s on”.  It’s not the notes themselves, but the actually the spaces between the notes of a song that can make or break a performance at the Kennedy Center.  That’s tension.  That’s what’s already naturally there between men and women.

A lot of guys I know, in their attempts to be a more dominant, more alpha-male, more cocky funny, or more whatever, fail to recognize that most of the time, less IS more.  You don’t have to talk as much as you think you do.  You don’t have to be domineering as much as you think you do, as long as you can become a master of tension.

Most of the time, all you really need is a look.  It could be a look you shoot across the room to her when she walks into the place, letting her know you noticed her.   It could be pause in the moment when you give her a look of surprise that she’s impressed you.  And it can be a very effective way to let her know of your disapproval when she’s overstepped a boundary.

Why does it work?

It’s a masculine way of guiding her through your world.  It says a lot about who you are without using words.  It says that you are in control of yourself and your surroundings and she is safe to be with you.

Waving at her when she comes into the room and yelling her name?  Yeah, Mr. Smooth.  Go for it.
How about telling her she’s impressed you with something she already knows she’s good at?  Meh.  Broken record.
Getting upset and riled up at her because she’s done something you didn’t like.   Fail.

So stop talking so much guys, and bring in a little more intrigue into your lives with your women.  They’ll love it.

When: Wednesday, February 17, 2010 7:00 PM

Where:
The Black Squirrel (Upstairs)
2427 18th St NW
Washington, DC 20009

Take a look at the Jay Z video when he closed down the MTV video awards this year.  Note his swagger.  He walks around like he owns the place.  This is his night; he owns it already.  Then, Bam!  He comes out and delivers one of the best performances that MTV has seen.

You need to be able to walk into anyplace and have this swagger. There’s a lot that goes into this and a lot has to do with internal beliefs.  But I promise you, you can get there.

Take the time this week to notice your swagger.  Notice the swagger of the people around you.  What can you change to make to better?   How is your voice projection?   Can they hear you without have to ask you to repeat yourself?  Are they getting the message you’re delivering?

When the President of the United States walks through a room, do people move out of their way for him or does he move out of his way for them?

Are you a doormat or a President?

What makes you a badass?  What makes you cool?  Go write down 5 things that make you awesome.  This is what makes YOU awesome, not me, YOU!  Own it.  Be proud of who you are and what you’ve accomplished.  Go out and do more!  Be better!

When you start taking responsibility of who you are, what you do, and what you want to become, you become much more attractive.

Go out and answer these questions and start figuring out how you’re gong to show the world who you are.  Have the swagger to show it.

Brother James

He went from a guy who had great value at this event to losing all of his value and looking like an ass.   Any women that were interested, were now quickly jumping in cabs and calling it a night.  Don’t be that guy!

It’s fully acceptable to go out and have a few drinks with your friends.   This is normal.  However, keep it in check!  This is Washington DC after all, happy hour capitol of the world.  Just don’t go out to get wasted.  You’re going to get a reputation and it’s not a good one.

Have a couple drinks, space the drinks out, drink water in between some of your drinks, and of course be sure to eat food.   You will look much better in the end.  This goes double if your on a date.